No escape.

Today in class we talked about Marital adjustments within/ after the first  six months, year, when children are born and when children leave the house. Some of these adjustments, just to name a few, were financing and budgeting, time management, communication, and understanding pre existing habits and lifestyles. As we talked about the myriad difficulties of newly wed life / married life I was surprised when I realized that living with your “forever”, in reality, is not and will not be all “butterflies and rainbows”. Needless to say, I was taking notes. I don’t think even my own family situation will prepare me for the adjustments after marriage. I grew up in a big family, my parents had ten children, I was child number eight. In my family the age gap between the oldest to youngest sibling was around 20 years, there were seven girls and 3 boys, and a majority of my siblings in my family were adopted. Everyone one in my family was so different in every way. With so many personality types and traits in my house growing up I had to learn how to cope and mesh with them in order to get things done. At times it was hard arguments would break out, heads would butt, and tantrums were thrown. Marriage however, is much more delicate, and complex. In a married life you will have to adjust and change, it will be hard, unnatural even but if you can keep a few things in mind this transition from simple to married might be helpful. In a new marriage you should remember that you have to go through ALL the steps of team building/ relationships and two, that you also right there up and close.

No matter how much you know and love your significant other, you will have to go through the steps that EVERY relationship has to go through. For example, our siblings and us had to go through these relationship building stages, but I think that probably because it was over the course of years and decades even we might not have even realized in the moment the assimilation and accommodation we went through in order to live with our siblings. As I go through these “relationship” steps, I’m sure there will be scenarios and memories that come to mind that will fit into these steps. I was not the “inventor” of this relationship theory, I only learned about it and it has helped me realize how to more smoothly and harmoniously establish relationships. The relationship process was first proposed by Bruce Tuckman in 1965 and includes the steps forming, storming, norming, performing. Here a quick watered down run down of each step:

Forming: This is when we establish roles, you're the wife, i'm the hubby, or youre the sister, i'm the brother etc etc. These are your responsibilities, these are mine.

Storming: Because there are so many learning styles, coping styles, stress handling styles etc etc, sometimes we look at the way someone is doing something and we think they’re super stupid. “Why would you do it that way??”, in return they likewise ask us, “why would you do it that way??”

Norming: We become familiar with why and how they do what they do and we mesh a little better, we start hitting a rhythm. 

Performing: Once everyone knows each other's weakness and strengths they start working together, they have synergy, and they become a well oiled machine. 

Knowing these steps will help you know where you are, what you need to do, why you need to do it, and how you need to do it. I am a big believer of the theory “True doctrine understood changes behavior.”

Lastly, marriage is hard because, for lack of better words, there is not escape. You are literally rubbing elbows with each other, you’re in each other's face and space. In a sibling situation you dont have to share everything, yes you share rooms, food etc etc, but as a married couple you share the budget, bed, etc etc. Remember as a married couple there is no escape, there's no “I” in team, you need to work through it together, but don’t worry you can accomplish it together.